Ugh don’t even get me started. He’s downright wonderful and he never feels good enough. I can’t even grasp the concept of that. I could never find someone to love me better.
Sure, he can’t write stories or poetry and he can’t draw and he likes video games all too much, but you know what makes him so wonderful? He knows how to love. He doesn’t even know that he does.
He’s fucking storybook boy in your favorite chick flick, seriously.
He answers every call at 2 am when he had already fell asleep but I’m crying and he’ll be too tired to talk to me but he’ll read me a story anyway and he reads my poetry. He loves to read my poetry. He makes sure I’m comfortable and safe with whatever the hell we’re doing. He goes with me to walk my dogs and forces me to go outside sometimes and eat healthy. He won’t leave me alone when I say I want to die until I say that I desperately want to stay alive.
We can talk for hours about nothing in particular. He can never kiss me just once and I can never kiss him just twice. We know each other’s tickle spots and we know how to turn each other on. We snuggle and fall asleep and fangirl over actors and actresses and he’s a bit flamboyant at times and I love it. He’s open minded and accepts me as who I am, never asking me to be someone else, but helping me to become more me, but a sort of better me. He calls me by the pronouns I prefer and I make sure to never shame him when he shows his feminine side outside of light joking, which he is comfortable with.
Honestly, he is imperfectly perfect in his own way. He’s not the cutest or the strongest or the most talented and neither am I, and I’m soft and bubbly and colorful while he is the opposite, but we fit together in the oddest of ways and to sum him up, he is the most lovable human being that I’ve ever had the pleasure to meet and hold in my arms.
Well at any given time I feel seven ways at once, but if I narrow it down, honestly, I fucking hate a lot of what’s happened to make me this way.
I hate all the suicide and all the sadness and all the cutting and my own suicidal thoughts. But you know what? I love everything else.
I love that a previous boyfriend loved me so much to call 911 when I was having a crazy bad breakdown over the phone, even if it was a bit of an overreaction. I love all the small relationships that didn’t seem to mean anything in the large scale but meant the world to me at the time. I love the time Janelle’s parents went to my house and told my parents when they heard that I called her telling her I wanted to walk right into traffic. I love that my parents actually give a fuck sometimes about how I’m feeling to the point where they wouldn’t leave me alone for weeks after the incident, no matter how annoying that was.
I love all the crazy bullshit that happened to me because of all the sad bullshit because it made me realize that some people really fucking care about you. They really do, and if they don’t seem to, trust me, when you are clawing your heart out in your bathroom, if you just call somebody, there will always be someone who just gives a downright fuck about you.
So, deep down in my cluttered, mess of a heart I’m happy about all this bullshit because it has made me into someone that I want to be. Someone who is here to love the fuck out of all of you because you know what? You deserve it as much as I do, no matter what the hell you’re going through.
So I read this aloud to my boyfriend earlier and he got this big stupid grin on his face and jokingly asked “Will you marry me” and things like that really cheer me up but also cause me to hit you.
Anyway, what I’d really like to hear really anyone I love say that would cheer me up is “I’m here for you, I will drop everything and help you if you need it.” because my boyfriend once told me this and it really made my heart all bubbly and happy.
Hey guys, I thought I got out of my poetry block, but I guess not.
If you want to ask me questions, about personal things or anything at all, I’ll answer all of them, truthfully.
I think it might help and get my mind working again~
I just really want to know him again; I’d be perfectly happy if I could even say we’re friends.
There’s tension between us because we’ll never know what could’ve been.
5. Well I’ve been drunk before and my boyfriend took care of me, so, yeah.
10. The last person I had a deep conversation with was my boyfriend.
15. Last summer kind of sucked but one good thing was making a bunch of new friends, they’re all dorks but cute dorks
20. Well one of my neighbors has been arrested several times and I don’t know the rest but they have very yippy dogs, so I can’t honestly tell you I like my neighbors.
25. I’m most uncomfortable with my feet because feet are weird in general.
30. Last time my boyfriend and I got drunk he wouldn’t shut up about wanting me to marry him and I don’t really like to admit it because it’s frightening, but I really want to marry him too.
40. After highschool I want to become a mental health counselor and get married to the dream boy I’m currently dating.
45. Obligation to life forces me to get out of bed, but my boyfriend makes it easier.
50. The last hoodie I wore was bright green.
55. My favorite blog would have to be Raquel’s
60. Well I won regionals last year for marching band.
65. I’m always hungry but I never have anything to eat.
70. My best friends are Angel, Janelle, Jaden, and Eden, plus my boyfriend, Douglas.
75. My favorite animal would have to be a red fox.
80. I’m wearing faded blue & white stripey shorts.
85. I’ve uh never watched Mean Girls.
95. I watched the Avengers last night to help me sleep.
100. I’m sick right now :c
105. I’ve never been to a bonfire party.
110. I like Belle so much it hurts, we used to be inseparable friends but I guess we weren’t because she cut me out of her life completely.
115. The Wii bores me usually.
120. I’m terrified of the dark.
125. I believe in true love, and I also believe it can happen more than once, as controversial as that sounds. You can love someone truly infinite times, just like you can truly care about more than one person.
130. Subway’s ‘ight.
135. The dumbest lie I ever told was when I was about seven years old and convinced my friend that my bike could turn into a unicorn.
140. Winter, indefinately. I’m a sucker for warm snuggles, hot chocolate, sweaters and holidays. There’s not much you can do to beat the heat in summer.
145. I prefer tea because warm mint tea is the shit though.
150. “Best hope it’s not, ” he said. “The trouble with miracles is, they don’t last long.” in the book Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli
I’m in love with my gay best friend.
I want you to write about something that makes you feel better and happy.
You know what hurts the worst is that I don’t even know what to do.
I am screaming and you can’t even hear me,
No one can fucking hear me. No one bothers to fucking hear me.
I tried to reach out with my fingers that feel too broken,
Bones that never stop shaking,
I say sorry, I tell him I am sad, I scream on the inside instead of the outside,
But no one will understand how fucking much I miss you.
I miss you so much even my body knows and I am constantly sick,
Constantly falling apart, please, I’m reducing to begging,
The pain in my chest every time my ipod accidentally plays death cab for cutie,
And still I haven’t the heart to delete those songs without completely hating myself,
I don’t have the heart to write happy things, I am too sad, too broken,
And no, I know you cannot fix me, you will keep refusing to acknowledge my existence
Until it sends me to a graveyard with a swingset, will you still play emilie autumn
At my funeral, you don’t answer my calls, you have cut off every single way I could ever
Hope to talk to you again, is this all because I said I loved you?
Did I get too close? Did I scare you away?